


Mac + Murdoc = Consequences

by Stupid_Mac_Stuff (just_another_wholockian)



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: PTSD, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleep Deprivation, Sleep Paralysis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-25 23:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20732318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_another_wholockian/pseuds/Stupid_Mac_Stuff
Summary: The consequences of Murdoc's games on Mac are serious, panic attacks, nightmares and much more, but Mac's too damn stubborn to tell anyone so he suffers through it alone.ON-GOING





	1. Mac + Panic Attack = Truth

Mac had struggled with what Murdoc has done to him, but he won't go to the team for help, he's too stubborn for that. Instead, he would rather sit in his house and try to breathe through yet another panic attack.

It started when he got a call from Matty, telling him he is needed back at HQ as one of Murdoc's men got away. Even the use of his name is enough to set Mac's heart off into a thumping mess within his chest. He leant over his kitchen countertop and tried to breathe calmly until his heart rate dropped but it didn't seem to be working, he deteriorated when he struggled to breathe properly. His legs gave way and he slipped down the side of the cupboards, clutching his chest, he thought his heart was going to explode.

While Mac had had panic attacks before, they had never been like this, usually, they consisted of breathing issues that Mac could control and depending on the length of the attack, he might throw up. This time was drastically different, he felt as if he were being choked by someone, he can't shake the image of Murdoc from his mind. He felt so powerless as he lost control of his body and slid onto his back on the floor. He tried to reach for his phone on the counter but he couldn't, out of frustration he dug his nails into the palm of his hands as hard as he could. He groaned as he felt his nails pierce his skin, his breath continued to be short and shallow. His vision started to go blurry and had black spots in it, he knew this wasn't a good sign at all. He tries to sit up but his chest hurts too much and his head weighs too much to move it. He knew he was going to pass out and he did.

Jack arrived ten minutes later, knowing something was wrong when Mac didn't show up to Pheonix before him. He knocked on Mac's door to get no answer, he tried knocking three, four, fives times before searching the area by the door for a spear key. He managed to find one tucked away in a flower pot, he quickly unlocked the door and rushed in.   
"Mac?" He searched the living room for any signs of struggle but found nothing. He moved toward Mac's bedroom, completely missing the passed out Mac on the kitchen floor. He searched his bedroom, even pulling the bedsheets off of Mac's bed.   
"Mac?" Jack walked down the hall back toward the kitchen when he saw tufts of blond hair on the ground.   
"Mac!" He ran toward him and crouched by his side, he felt for Mac's pulse in his neck and was relieved when he found one. It was slightly raised but it was still there, for a moment, Jack watched Mac's breathing and saw that his breathing was a little short and shallow. As he reaches to pick Mac up, Jack notices the small amount of blood on the palm of his hands. He checked Mac over for any kind of injury but was confused when he couldn't find anything until he checked Mac's palms again and saw his nails. He had dug his own nails into the palm of his hands, why?

Jack scooped Mac up, thanking god the kid was so light and carried him to his car.

📎📎📎

Mac's hearing was the first thing that came back to him, he could hear people talking but he can't remember what happened, the last thing he remembers is... Murdoc.  
Mac shot up off of the couch that he didn't even know he was sleeping on, ready to fight anyone and everyone.  
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy bud." Jack gently presses his hands on Mac's chest, trying to get him to lie down again. Mac instantly calms down at the sight of Jack.  
"Oh hey." Mac gently flops back on the couch and rubs his face. Jack perches on the edge of the arm of the couch.  
"You want to talk about what happened?"   
"No, mostly because I can't really remember what happened." Mac sat up a little bit, Jack passed him a water bottle as Riley, Matty and Bozer came into the room, confirming Mac's suspicions of being at Pheonix.   
"What do you remember?" Mac took a swig of water as he tried to think back to what happened.  
"Matty called me to come in and then... Murdoc." Mac's shoulders slump down as he realised what had happened. Bozer timed in with concern lacing his voice.  
"What did he attack you?" Mac shook his head.  
"No, no. Not physically anyway." Mac had meant to say that last part under his breath but he didn't. This time Riley chimed in.  
"Mac, what in the hell does 'not physically' mean?" Mac sighed and slumped his shoulder down even more before taking a deep breath.

"Ever since Murdoc first kidnapped me..." Mac grew quiet as he choked out the next sentence. "... I have been having... panic attacks." The whole team groan. Matty rubbed her forehead as she said.  
"Jesus Mac, why didn't you say anything."   
"It's my problem, I shouldn't project that on to other people. Anyway, it's not like this has happened too many times." Mac realised he shouldn't have said that.  
"Mac, how many damn times has this happened?"   
"I don't know, I usually don't remember them. I just tend to wake up on the floor."  
“How many times have you woken up on the floor?” Mac shrugs his shoulders.  
“I don’t know.” 

Matty, having lost all patience with Mac, pulls her phone out.  
“There. You are booked in with a therapist in an hours time and you will be going to that damn session MacGyver.” Giving in, Mac nods his head and lays back on the couch. 

At least the truth was out there now right?


	2. Mac + Thinking = No Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Mac returns home still thinking of the events earlier in the day, he struggles to manage by himself.

Mac thanked the therapist again as he left the office, as promised, Jack was sat in the waiting room reading Men's Health magazine.  
"Didn't take you for the magazine kind of guy." Jack stood up, throwing the magazine down as he did and followed Mac toward the exit of the building.   
"What can I say, I had an hour to kill." Mac hops into the passenger's seat as Jack starts his car up. Since Jack had stuffed Mac into his car earlier on, it meant Mac was left without a ride to the session.

Jack couldn't help but feel awkward throughout the car ride, the usually chatty Mac was uncharacteristically quiet, he wasn't even playing with a paper clip. He just stared out the window, clearly deep in thought.   
"You alright there, hoss?" Mac's head snapped around at the use of his nickname.   
"Yeah... just thinking, y'know?"   
"You want to talk about anything?"  
"Nah, too tired." Jack nodded his head and continue to drive toward Mac's place. 

As Mac was getting out of the car, Jack grabbed his arm, briefly scaring Mac.  
"Do you want me to stay?" Mac shook his head.   
"No, I'll be ok. I was just going to cook something, shower and to bed." Jack nodded his head and let Mac go, Mac waved to him as Jack pulled away from his house.

The first thing Mac did when he got in his house was lean against the door and rubbed his eyes before heading to the kitchen. He stops as he sees the small amount of now dried blood on the floor from earlier. His breathing caught for a moment as he thinks about Murdoc but he pushes the thoughts to the back of his mind and focuses on cleaning up. He grabbed the cleaner from the cupboards under the sink and starts to scrub a little at the floor. The sound of the sponge against the grain of the wood is enough to bring back the image of Murdoc dragging the chair toward Mac. Mac closed his eyes and used a breathing technique he got off of the internet. He breathed in for four seconds, held it for seven and then breathed out of his mouth for eight seconds. It worked just enough for him to regain control of his mind again as he continued to clean the floor. 

Once he was done, Mac decided he would skip dinner and get straight in the shower. He hopped straight in without bothering to check the temperature, which was a mistake. The freezing cold water hit his back and made his legs give way under him. The water runs down his arms and around his wrist making them feel as if though they were back with the handcuffs on. His entire body stiffens as Murdoc's voice echos in his head.  
_"Be seeing you, MacGyver." _He wants to grab at his own hair and skin to get Murdoc off of him but the crook of his elbow stings and he remembers the IV line. The sound of the water hitting the area around him starts to become too loud for him to focus on anything but the visions flashing behind his eyes. His faces screw up in more pain as he sees himself rip the IV out of his arm to unlock the handcuffs. He becomes light-headed at the thought of standing up, his head lulls back and hits the tiled wall hard enough to snap him out of his vision and come back to reality. 

Turning the water off, Mac grabs his towel and wraps it around himself. He throws his dirty shirt on over his shoulders as a way of trying to warm up from the icy shower. He wanders to his bedroom and throws on a clean shirt and a clean pair of sweat pants. Goosebumps litter his body as he shivers, he looks at his bed but he knows he wouldn't be able to fall asleep comfortably at all. Instead, Mac heads straight back to the living to watch something on TV, finds an episode of _Sherlock_ on and decides to watch it. During the episode, at some point, Mac had picked up a paper clip from somewhere and bent it so it read _221B_. He was getting tired but he didn't want to sleep, Moriarty reminded Mac of Murdoc too much and there were some many thoughts swimming in about in Mac's head. 

He laid down on the couch and tried to rest his eyes for a moment only for the sound of handcuff from the TV to scare back awake again. He looked at the TV screen to see Sherlock and John pressed against a police car. He breathes deeply for a moment, knowing that it isn't real, it had made up his mind though, he wasn't going to sleep tonight. He got up and went straight to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee, in a hope it would refresh his energy just a little bit. It was going to be a long night. 

Mac decided he would start messing with his bike, he took pieces off, inspected them, sometimes cleaned them before reattaching them again. It was pointless but it kept him busy and more importantly, it kept him from sleeping. He worked on the bike for almost an hour before he got bored of repeating the same thing over and over again. Instead, he got out his collection of paperclips and started bending them into different shapes, he made what he thought was at least twenty if not more differently shaped objects. 

The caffeine in the coffee had worn off by now and Mac was really starting to feel the tiredness wash over him. He checked the time on the oven, _02.39 am_. Almost on cue, Mac's head started to lull back, he tried so hard to fight it, he didn't want to sleep. He couldn't sleep, but his body went against him and he slowly laid down on the couch. He thought he'd be able to at least keep his eyes open but he just couldn't do it. As his eyes closed, the horrors of the night started.


	3. Mac + Nightmares = Sleep Deprived Mac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Mac is left alone he struggles to keep it together. He decides he won't sleep and tries to pull an all-nighter.

Mac finally accepts the darkness as his friend, letting his body slowly be swallowed by the couch. The images flash on the back of his eyelids as his body tenses up, he grabs the cushions of the couch and squeezes them as hard as he can in his hands. 

_"Why don't you come out and play MacGyver?" Mac stumbles around the sewers blind, he has no idea where he is or where he is going as long as it is away from Murdoc. He tries to blink his blurry vision way to no avail, he starts running as he hears footsteps behind him but skids to a stop as Murdoc appears in front of him. He can't control himself as he stops and he loses his balance, causing him to hit the floor headfirst. When he opens his eyes again, Murdoc is stood face to face with, laughing maniacally. _

Mac's eyes open, he's still in the pitch black of his house, only, he can't seem to move at all. He tries moving his arms and legs but they don't seem to respond, he struggles to get a breath in his lungs. They're begging for air that Mac just can't seem to reach. His eyes scan the room, at first he sees nothing but his eyes flicker back to the TV, it almost looks as if there is someone stood in front of the screen. Mac wants to get up, to scream, to run but his body betrays him as he is paralysed. The figure just stands there, looming over him, Mac thought it was Murdoc which sent him into even more of a panic. His breath slowly returned to him as he tried to use a breathing technique to calm himself down again. He closed his eyes as he regained control over his body and when he opened them again the figure was gone. 

Mac shot up, he checked every window in his living room, all of them locked. He moved to the kitchen, he checked the windows, all locked, when he checked the back door to the porch, he realised he left it unlocked. That must have been how Murdoc got into his house, but it didn't make sense, why would he just leave Mac on the couch? Had he been drugged again? Mac locked the door and sprinted to the bathroom to check his body over for needle marks, he ran his hands along his neck and arms only to find nothing. 

He turned the cold tap on and runs in hands under it before splashing himself in the face with some of it. He grabbed a towel and dried his face before heading for his bedroom. He flops onto his bed and just lays there, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. He snaps out of his staring daze as he looks at the time on his alarm clock, _4.03 am_, groaning, Mac climbs into the bed and tries to get some sleep. 

_Mac wakes up to the sound of someone talking to him._  
_"MACGYVER!" Mac's eyes bolt open and he takes in his surroundings, he back in the junkyard again. He looks around, he's got a wall of dead cars in front of him and to his left and to his right. He's trapped. _  
_"MacGyver." He spins on his heels to face Murdoc dead on, he's holding a shotgun in his hands, it's pointing directly at Mac. The loud boom and charge of the gun send Mac flying back until he hits the ground. _  
_He looks up at the - the ceiling? Wasn't he just outside? He tries to sit up but struggles when he sees the knife protruding from his abdomen. He hears footsteps from behind him, he looks to see the rest of the team walk by him._  
_"What a disappointment." Riley is the first to pass him on the floor, she sends him a sad but not caring look. _  
_"Couldn't get yourself outta this one, ay blondie?" Matty was next, taunting him with a sadistic smile as she did. _  
_"And to think, I trusted you with my life, man." Bozer hovered over Mac for a moment before looking at the knife and frowning. Jack was last, he didn't say anything to Mac, he just glared at him. Matty caught Mac's attention again when she spoke to him._  
_"Once you're gone, we'll set up with the replacement right away." _  
_"Wha - what replacement?" Mac can feel the blood in his mouth as he chokes the words out. The team smirks and looks toward the door of the war room, the door opens and a cloaked figure walks in, they reach for the hood._  
_"Why..." They lift the hood off and Mac's heart drops. "Murdoc of course." Everyone turns and leaves Mac to choke on his blood on the floor._

Mac's eye open and he finds himself back in his bedroom. He covers his mouth as he tries to steady his erratic breathing, he's so entrapped in his own world that he doesn't hear his phone ringing for a moment. He reaches over to hit his alarm clock before realising it's his phone in the other room.

He gets up, straitening his messy, sweat covered shirt as he does and heads for the kitchen. He grabs his phone and sees it's Jack calling him.  
"Hey man, we getting called in?"  
_"No, I just wanted to check up on you. You doing alright?"_ Mac's breath caught in his throat, he wanted to tell Jack the truth but he couldn't, Jack was already worried about him enough as is.  
"Yeah, I'm fine. I didn't have another attack if that's what you mean." He heard Jack scoff on the other end of the line.   
_"Like you'd tell me anyway."_ There's a weird moment of silence between the pair before Jack asks. _"You would tell me, right? If anything was wrong."_  
"Yeah of course." Mac bites his lip as he realises he answered too quickly, Jack'll never believe him. He can practically hear Jack thinking on the other end of the line.   
_"Alright. You wanna meet up later? I can come to you."_ Mac smiles, of course, he'd want to come over.   
"Yeah, sure, I got a couple beers in the fridge."   
_"Sounds good. See ya later hoss."_  
"Bye Jack." As the line goes dead, Mac realises a breath he didn't realise he was holding. He places his phone down on the countertop and heads to get dressed in his bedroom. 

Just as he zips up his jeans, he hears his phone go off again, this time when he checks it, it says it's Matty. They're now definitely getting called in.


	4. Tired Mac + Work = Messing Up

Mac grabs his keys but hesitates to open his front door. His hand hovers for a moment before he decides to just open the door, an image of the masked goons flashes in front of his eyes making him stumble back a little. He takes a deep breath and looks out the doorway before stepping outside, rather then turn his back, Mac locks his door with his eyes on the road to be safe. 

He unlocks his car and starts it up as soon as he gets in, he's not taking any chances, not anymore. He takes off down the road and within twenty minutes he's at Pheonix.

He walks into the War Room to see everyone but Jack there, as per the norm. As Mac sits down, Jack jogs through the door.   
"Nice of you to finally join us, Dalton." Matty turns back to the screen and it lights up with a video that doesn't play right away. "I've called you in because we just got word of a terror threat happening in LA today." Matty turns and plays the video. The video is from the perspective of a bodycam, sheets of paper in another language but the transcripts sit next to the video and the team can see that it talks about a terror attack in the sewers somewhere in LA. The camera shots up as yelling is heard in the background and the door is kicked in. Multiple people with guns storm the room before openly firing at the person, blood splatters on the camera before the camera goes black. 

"The agent who gave their life might just save innocents from being killed in a terror attack today, provided we move our asses now." The team all nod their heads before rushing off to gear up. Jack taps Mac on the shoulder before he can disappear.   
"You 'lright there hoss? You look a little pale."  
"Yeah, I'm fine." Jack nods his head and lets Mac get ready to ship out but he doesn't take his eyes off of him as he walks away. 

Mac piles into the back of a truck stuck between Riley with her laptop on his left and a TAC team member the size of Hercules on his right. He takes a moment to breathe deeply, not liking the crushing feeling on his chest. It felt far too much like what happens when he has a panic attack. He closes his eyes and allows the sound of the van engine to let every other sound around him to be drowned out. That is until Riley nudges his elbow.  
"You doin' alright there?" He nods his head.  
"Just a little cramped is all." She nods her head and smiles at him and returns only half of it. 

When they all get out of the van, Mac and Riley take a moment to stretch their arms and shoulders.   
"That's so much better." Riley says as she readjusts her bag on her back. 

The TAC team starts setting up, Matty managed to get the 'police' to cordon off a perimeter without arousing too much suspicion. Mac stays with Riley as she sets up a comms system for everyone, including body cameras. She clips Mac's to the front of his shirt in between the gap in the buttons.   
"Turn and face me." Mac does as he is told and faces Riley. "Perfect, the comms system is set up." She hands him an earpiece and he places it straight in his right ear. 

Mac smiles as Jack approaches in all his TAC gear, in hand, pointed up, resting on his shoulder.  
"We good to go here, Riley?"  
"Yep, all we need to do is give the TAC their bodycams and you can go." 

Another five minutes passes Mac as he stares into empty space, twiddling with one of his many not-so-paperclip-looking-paperclips in his hands.   
"Mac, you ready to go?" He smiles at Jack and nods his head. Jack is the first in the sewers via a manhole, the first thing he does is grunt about the smell before calling out.   
"CLEAR!" Mac jumps in directly after, pulling a face at the familiar smell. Shaking the thoughts before they can come to his mind, Mac focuses on the mission and pulls the paperwork that Matty gave him from his back pocket. 

"This way." Jack leads with Mac and the rest of the TAC team following just behind. Mac badly wants this to be over as soon as possible, the smell keeps bringing all the memories that he is trying to shove down back to the surface again. The team turns a corner but Mac loses his footing in the water and slips against the cold metal wall. The memories of being drugged and stumbling around with Murdoc chasing him resurface in his vision. His breath catches for a moment before he's ripped out of his state by Jack's hand on his shoulder and Matty's voice in his ear.  
"MacGyver? You alright?" He nods his head.  
"Yeah, just lost my footing and hit my head. I'll be fine." 

The team search up to the perimeter but find nothing, they stand in the sewer, just wanting to get out of it as fast as possible, it was getting hot down there and the smell was intense. Mac was just about keeping it together, he's keeping his breathing under control and his heart steady.   
"Alright team, move out. We're heading back to base, info was clearly bad." Mac turns on his heels but stops when a reflection catches his eye. He sees one of the metal panels is out of place, he approaches it and moves it ever so slightly.

Mac hasn't noticed but the rest of the team is back on the surface.  
"Well, that was disgusting, right hoss?" Jack turns back to speak to Mac, thinking he was right behind him. "Hoss? Mac?" Jack jogs over to Riley as she is packing her systems into her bag neatly.  
"Riles, you seen Mac anywhere?" Riley gives Jack a look of confusion.  
"I thought he was with you." Without saying another word, Riley pulls her laptop back out her bag and pulls up Mac's bodycam. Riley's eyes go wide at the sight of the device in front of Mac. "Oh my god." Jack looks at the screen and runs to the manhole, jumping straight into it. 

Jack runs back the way they came, the water splashing up his legs as he carelessly runs. He rounds the corner a little fast, splashing water up Mac's back, sending him over the edge. 

Mac completely freezes up as he remembers the way he stumbled through the same sewers, trying to get away from Murdoc. His head was fuzzy, he hears Murdoc's voice but never actually saw him. It was like a never-ending maze for Mac, the same walls around every corner, the same horror waiting behind him if he ever slowed down.

"MAC!" Jack pulls Mac away from the device just a second before it detonates and manages to get him around the corner, taking the full force of the blast on his back. 


	5. Mac + Blame = Dark Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jack is left injured, Mac can't help but blame himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not as dark as it sounds, no mention of the DARK DARK thoughts.
> 
> Super long.

Mac's head throbbed as he opened his eyes, his vision was blurry and all he could see was dust flying in the air around him. There was debris behind him, including one piece that was crushing his ribs on his left side, making it hard to move. He coughs a little from the dust in the air but stops as his ribs ache, he must have cracked at least one of them. 

As his eyes adjust, he can see the light streaming through the hole that now exists in the street above. He can hear sirens from fire engines on the street above and someone's voice but he can't figure out who's voice it is.   
"MAC! JACK? GUYS?" Mac realises that it's Riley's panic-filled voice in his ear. Mac strains his voice as he replies to her.   
"I copy you, Riley." He hears her sigh of relief on the other end of the line.   
"Thank god. What the hell happened?" Mac takes a moment to think as his head throbs.   
"I failed, Riles. I let the device go off - oh my god, Jack -"  
"Mac slow down-"  
"He took the blast fro me, he pushed me out the way. Oh my god, Riley, you have to get him out of here."  
"Mac, we are working to get the both of you out right now but the road's not stable. You need to stay where you are for own safety." 

Ignoring Riley's words, Mac pushes the piece of rubble off of himself and groans as he sits up.   
"Jack! Jack, can you hear me?" Mac hobbles his way toward the tower of rubble, grunting from the pain in his chest as he does. He doesn't want to touch anything in case it comes out of place and makes the situation worse. He looks for any sign of life, a hand, his bullet vest, anything. He grabs his army knife from a gap under the rubble and flicks the torch on.  
"Jack! C'mon man, talk to me." He hears a low groan from his right and his eyes catch the reflection of Jack's watch. He can just about see Jack's chin and his bottom lip, his lip is busted pretty badly, there's a small pool of blood surrounding his mouth that sends Mac into overdrive. He hops over the rubble, without giving a second thought to his ribs, which was a bad idea.

With a sudden snap, Mac is on the floor clutching his left side whilst trying to breathe through the pain.  
"Mac, what the hell was that?" Mac bites his tongue to stop himself from groaning.   
"Something snapped down here, I found Jack but he's buried under too much rubble."   
"Just stay where you are okay? I'll inform the evac teams."

It took another two hours before they managed to get the two of them out, Mac refused to leave Jack's side, evening daring to ignore a direct order from Matty. Once they were out, Jack was put in the back of an ambulance and driven away instantly, before Mac could join him.   
"No, MacGyver, you're in your own ambulance." Matty grabbed Mac by one of his belt loops on his jeans and dragged him to the back of the ambulance. Mac ignored the aching from his ribs as he watches the ambulance drive away. 

The paramedics start looking Mac over as he just stares at the horror scene around him. There's a massive chunk of the road that's now caved in, there are multiple ambulances parked all around, checking everyone over. Mac can't focus on a word the doctor is saying as he loses control of his body, his breath seems to leave his lungs but never come back, his hands start to shake uncontrollably.   
"Sir? Sir?" The paramedics try to get a response from him but Mac's mind dissociates from his body. His breathing becomes more erratic.  
"Get a sedative, now!" Matty appears out of nowhere and yells at the paramedics. One of the paramedics jumps into the back of the ambulance and digs around for a sedative in a cupboard. Riley comes over to see what Matty yelling about.   
"You can't be serious? He already has trust issues as is, that'll just make it worse and he'll never tell us anything." The pair continue to argue as Mac has no reaction to the stab in his shoulder before blacking out. 

📎📎📎

It's always his hearing that comes back to him first.  
"Matty, what the actual hell were you thinking? Drugging him? It's what caused this sate in the first place. We will be having a very long and loud conversation when I get out of here." Mac hears a phone hit a table which scares him and he sits up before curling up in pain.  
"Whoa, Mac. Don't move too much, your rib is incredibly bruised." Mac readjusts himself on the bed before opening his eyes.   
"Jack..."  
"Yeah, I'm here, a little banged up but still good."  
"I'm sorry, I don't know wha-"  
"It doesn't matter now, all that matters now is that we are okay." Mac looks down at his hands and twiddles with his thumbs, Jack reaches into the pocket of his robe and places the ungodly amount of paperclips he's managed to steal on Mac's lap. Mac smiles and starts to play with them, Jack sits back down and just watches him. 

It's a nice quiet five minutes before Mac asks.  
"Your injuries?"  
"I'm rather lucky, only a little internal bleeding and some killer bruises." Mac knew he was lying but didn't push it, he eyed the IV in the back of Jack's hand before eyeing his own. His hand involuntarily twitched at the sight of it, he wants to rip it out so badly, his eyes flicker up to the pouch on his right side.   
_"Hello, MacGyver. Oh, how I have missed you."_ Mac's head twitches in a way that Jack recognises as he flicking a thought from his mind.   
"You alright, hoss?" Mac nods his head.  
"Yeah, just not a big fan of needles anymore." Jack nods his head and sighs a little. His phone suddenly buzzes on the table and Jack sighs before picking it up.  
"Yeah, I'll be right there." He hangs up before standing up, only now does Mac notice the boot on Jack's leg. "Sorry, Mac, Matty wants me back in my own room. She wants to have a chat with both of us about what happened. I'm two doors down from you, call if you need anything." Mac nods his head and smiles, he watches through the window in his room as Jack walks out of sight. 

The moment Mac knows he is alone, he rips the IV from his hand and hops off the bed. He sticks his head around the door frame to see no one around, he takes this as an opportunity to make a break for it. He did not feel comfortable in hospital at all, especially since Matty had him drugged once already. He walks calmly into the toilets at the end of the hall, spotting a washing basket full of scrubs. Grabbing a shirt and a pair of pants, he checks to make sure the toilets are empty. He dumps his robe and hospital gown and carefully puts the scrubs on, being careful of his ribs. He stuffs his right hand in the pocket to hide the bleeding.

He then calmly walks out of the toilets and straight into the lift across the hall. He hits the ground floor button and waits patiently for the doors to open, as they do, there is a crowd in reception. He slowly works his way through, nabbing a pack of cigarettes from someone's pocket as he does. He plays with one in his fingers as he walks out the front door, making it look as though he is on his break. 

He takes a deep breath and sighs as his hot breath makes a cloud in the air. He starts walking to try and figure out which hospital he was actually in, he turns back and looks at the lights. He realises he is only a twenty minutes walk from his house so he starts speed walking his way there. 

He picks up his spare key from the hiding spot and goes to put it in the door to find the door's alreayd unlocked. Carefully opening the door, Mac surveys the room and sighs when he sees the whole team sat at the dining room table. Matty, in particular, looks angry, Jack just has a disappointed look on his face, Riley and Bozer sit with a sad look on their faces. Mac closes the door behind him and sighs deeply.  
"Okay-" Matty cuts him off straight away.  
"No, not okay Mac. You cannot just bail from the hospital with a broken rib and we haven't even touched on what happened in the sewer." Mac kicks himself as he visibly flinches at the mention of the sewer. Jack cuts Matty off before she can traumatise him anymore.   
"Mac, you are not okay. No matter how many times you say it, we know you're lying. Just talk to us bud." Mac looks at the group in anger.  
"Talk to you? No. Not after the drugging incident at the sewers." He aims all his anger at Matty who looks unphased. The others give her side glares from behind her, knowing this is exactly what would happen.   
"Why didn't you come to us beforehand? When the panic attacks started?" Riley walks toward Mac with a soft look on her face, she just wants him to talk to her.   
"Because...!" He takes a moment to calm down, he doesn't like yelling at people. "Because it's my problem. Murdoc took me and only me, nobody else should have to be burdened with my issues. What happened today is and always will be my fault, I let my emotions get to me in the time of danger and Jack took the front of it. I know he's lying about his injuries to protect me."   
"Mac, we just don't want you to..." Bozer lets his sentence runoff and Mac knows exactly what he's talking about.  
"You don't want me to snap or to break or to lose my mind. I'm not made of glass, I'm not going to shatter. Now, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to alone." Mac barges past the group but hesitates as he sees the boot on Jack's left leg. He keeps walking, tears pricking his eyes as he enters his room and slams his bedroom door as he enters it.

"Well, that went terr-"  
"Riley, don't." Riley shrugs her shoulders at Matty. Jack, having finally lost his patience, snaps at her.   
"Matty, we told you not to do this. We told you it would upset him. We told you we needed to give him space but you chose to ignore that. Clearly something is wrong with him and we needed to give him space and wait for him to come to us but now he won't and I still can't get over that fact that you _drugged_ him. Like... what the hell is wrong with you?"   
"He went into shock and was having a panic attack at the same time, Jack. What was I supposed to do? Just let him sit there and struggle to breathe?"   
"No, Matty. You were supposed to talk to him, bring him back to reality." With that Jack leaves Mac's house, followed by Riley and Bozer.

📎📎📎

Mac didn't leave his room for two hours to be sure that everyone had left. The first thing he did was cook himself something to eat before his mind took over. He can't unsee the boot on Jack's leg, _"it's your fault"_. Mac shakes his head, trying to get the image out, _"you could've gotten him killed"_. Mac rubs his temples, trying to get the thoughts out of his head with no avail, _"it should've been you under the rubble"_.   
"It should've been me... It should've been me..." Mac says it under his breath repeatedly, it becomes a mantra for him "It should've been me..." The more he says it, the more he believes it. His eyes become clouded as his voice breaks. 

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Mac, Jack watches as Mac has a meltdown. He wants to intervene but he knows it'll make things far worse if Mac knows they are monitoring him. Jack wants to cry but also wants to remain strong for his friend. He can't bear to watch Mac cry so he turns the screen off but keeps an eye on his vitals. Even though he hates Matty for it, he wants to keep an eye on Mac, he doesn't like the fact that there are mics and cameras hidden in his house or that fact that Mac doesn't know about the vital tracker stuck the back of his neck under his hair. When Mac finds out that they bugged his place, he's going to lose it. 

Mac gets his breathing under control as he dries his eye with his sleeve. He decides to crash on the couch for the night, praying he won't have any nightmare or sleep paralysis episodes again. 

Jack watches it all, he has to sit in his car and watches as Mac trashes around on the couch, whimpering and moaning. He watches as Mac wakes up but doesn't move, he watches as his vitals hit the roof. He sits through it all, the more he watches, the more he hates himself for it. 

He watched as Mac kept repeating "It should've been me..." to himself, Jack finally breaks down in his car in the middle of the night. 


End file.
